WTF Deodorant Scents
I had some extra time at the grocery store the other day, so I strolled through the aisles as opposed to the “shop on a mission/knock down old women” pace that I usually take. The following is an actual list of deodorants. So, without further ado…
- Powder Fresh
- Clean Aloe Fresh: This magical scent somehow combines being clean, putting on aloe and then feeling fresh. How do they do it?
- Original Clean: For those who want to be normally clean.
- Shower Clean: What other kind of clean is there?
- Cool Rush: Recreate Slushy brain freeze.
- Cool Essentials: For those who do not want to be rushed.
- Cool Fusion: Too much cool? OK. We get it. It’s important for your armpit hair not to catch on fire.
- Pure Sport: This is what athletes are supposed to smell like.
- After Hours: You first put on Shower Clean during the day, but after hours…well, you know.
The Hardcore Man
Apparently, the scents above are for pansies…
- Impact: When someone smells me, I want them to feel like they just got hit in the face with a tire iron.
- Energy: Apparently, you can also eat this deodorant if you’re hungry after a workout. Mmm…waxy calories.
- Game Time: This is the only scent you’re supposed to put on right before a double-header.
- Fresh Rush: This is similar to Cool Rush, but fresher.
- Arctic Fresh: This is basically applying dry ice to your armpit.
- Icy Blast: If Arctic Fresh didn’t impress you, this scent will make you feel like you’ve been buried alive by an avalanche.
- Extreme Blast: Upon smelling you, the person will literally explode. Use with caution.
- Storm Force: The crème de le crème. If you want a bystander to be completely obliterated upon smelling you, this is it. Applying this deodorant will no less summon a hurricane and cause world-wide volcanic eruptions, wiping out entire cities. Use with extreme caution!
For the Mellow Man
- Caribbean Cool: When applied, you will actually be teleported to a random island off the south coast of Florida.
- Ocean Surf: Stolen from Cosmo Kramer; ergo “The Beach.”
- Musk: Simply old school.
- Ice Glacier: If Icy Blast and Arctic Fresh is just too much.
- Cool Peak-air Alpine: If you have desire to smell like Pine-Sol.
- Show Time: This is my personal favorite. This should be applied every day, because you never know when it’s gonna be show time! Could be effective when used in conjunction with “After Hours” above.
For the Ladies
- Pure Satin: Just throw away those old sheets, I say!
- Eastern Lily: Only to be applied by women east of the Mississippi.
- Southern Peach: Worn by those women who still own a Confederate flag.
- Asian Pearl: For those gals who no longer want to smell like oysters.
- Spanish Rose: For those women who just finished running with the bulls and may have stepped in something.
- Kuku Coco Butter: This deodorant can be used as an ingredient in vegan cookies.
- Orchard Blossum: Fruit and flowers. What can I say? This smelled nice.
- Arctic Apple: If you found an apple frozen in the tundra above the Arctic Circle and defrosted it, this is what it would smell like.
- Glacier Mist: Put this on and smell like Juneau, Alaska!